In a conversation with a dear friend last night, we got to talking about something pretty deep – I can’t remember specifically how we arrived at this, but an example came up about how you get angry and curse at someone in the car when they cut you off on the highway.
We then briefly disagreed about whether or not that was a healthy thing to do.
I’ll try to articulate his argument as authentically as I can: If you’re alone in the car, where nobody can hear you, what’s the harm in “venting” that frustration? Nobody can hear it. You’re not acting hostile towards that driver. So assuming you’re otherwise mentally healthy and have control of your anger, isn’t it a good way to vent your anger?
I said no.
I would have normally started talking about the inner voice / outer voice. But in that moment a more accessible metaphor occurred to me. I called it the “anger muscle”.
You effectively become the person you spend the most time thinking like. And if it’s common for you to get angry at other drivers, you are using your otherwise idle brain-time to concentrate on an anger emotion, thus reinforcing that way of thinking. Being angry makes you angry.
Another friend agreed, citing an article he was recently reading which explained that verbalizing and even “internally vocalizing” these types of thoughts reinforces those brain pathways, making it easier for you to get angry in other situations, setting you on the path to becoming an angry person in general.
If you deny your anger muscle time in the gym, it will stop dominating your responses to everyday situations.
He asked me to give him time to consider my words. The concept of the anger muscle resonated with him, and I gave him space to reflect. We discussed it a bit more, and went on to enjoy the rest of the evening.
